Why what you said isn’t always what your employees hear

“He said, ‘You said it was okay the way it was,'” Tannen said. “The fact that she began with all these good things made him think that’s the main point. And because the things she wanted changed came later, he thought they were more of an afterthought.”

That kind of breakdown isn’t unique to this one exchange. A study published in PLOS One surveyed 419 managers across the U.S., Europe, and Asia and found that when feedback was negative, recipients rated it as less accurate and rated the person delivering it as less qualified to give it, compared with recipients of positive feedback.

How to make feedback actually land

West’s advice starts before the conversation even happens, and it has more to do with specificity than tone. She recommends sending the substance of the feedback in writing in advance, rather than springing it on someone in the room.

“I don’t like surprises. I think most people don’t like surprises,” West said. “If you just say, let’s meet Tuesday at 4, go over the following four things, they’ll have time to digest it, and they’ll be in a much better mood that you were transparent with them.”

She also keeps each conversation narrow, one or two specific behaviors rather than a running list.